Just April

In April, her mornings began to look like this:

And this:

Weekdays, she is hunting and gathering (hunting for her lunch bag, shoes, good looks and lipstick and gathering the same to bring with her to work). Weekends, she is planning – planning for the hunting and gathering she does during the week, all the while trying to get in her vegetables and protein and not feel like a health scrooge about it. It is a stark dichotomy – the fact that she both loves kale and kombucha but also loves thick-crusted leftover pizza and starburst jelly beans. This dichotomy is her life really: loving early mornings but wishing she could sleep in; wishing she could exist in bare feet forever and always and at the same time, wanting to wear heels every day. She has learned and is learning to live with this. It is who she is, and she is mostly fine with that.

Today, it was eggs and kale and swiss cheese and waking up at 7:14 am instead of 5:50 am, and going slowly through the morning, wishing that she could be alone and yet not wanting to be lonely.

It’s been a good month – no Instagram, no eating whatever she wants (hence the kale and eggs for breakfast), no frivolous spending (not that she did too much of this anyway), no silly, unnecessary trips to the store (because #corona), and no asking unnecessary questions at work because her boss gave a hearty admonition to everyone about this.

She discovered two new books this month which will live forever in her heart: Rebecca and Placemaker. In Rebecca, she found a kindred spirit, much like she found with Jane Eyre, and Pepper Potts and Bathsheba Everdene. But in Rebecca, she found a friend who understood her acute shyness; the shyness that was so prevalent in her childhood years and just so recently has only begun relinquishing its grip.  Placemaker will be read and relished thoroughly.  She is only on chapter 2, but ever since page 1, she knew she had found another kind of kindred spirit in the pages.

She rekindled her love of Jason Upton through his works Campfires and Masquerades, In the Beginning Part 1 and Write Every Day Down. She began listening to T Swift again (Fearless is one of her favorites), and has kept up a healthy supply of Country music.

She started movie/game night with her neighbors this month, where she picks up a $10 pizza and hauls it home and then everyone gathers and holds baby Theo and chats and plays a board game or maybe watches an episode of Friends.

She found peace this month too. After days of anxiety and unrest, she found peace in the words of Jesus, “Come to me”, and in the words of the hymn, “My faith has found a resting place, not in device or creed…I trust the ever-living One; His wounds for me shall plead.”  She is so grateful for that peace, and grateful that her faith does not rest in her feelings or her “being good enough”, but it rests in the finished, completed, and legally accepted work of Christ.

Everything strange and difficult has happened this month – from being quarantined to having her car stolen from, to receiving a goodbye letter from Grandma, to having to fight hard against her feelings that yell BE AFRAID, or DON’T TRUST GOD, or THINK HIGHLY OF YOURSELF.  She heard hard things from her friend, from her dad, and from clients.  The difficulty is different for everyone and they all hold it differently.  She does not know what she will be handed next, but she does not want her mind to wander there, for sufficient for the day is its own troubles.

If April had something to say, perhaps it would echo the words of the Count who said, “wait and hope”.  At this time, it is all she can do.  She does not know what the future will be and so she goes on hunting and gathering daily, and driving her car to and from work; buying groceries and gas (while wearing her mask, of course), and living until God shows her what is next.

Sometimes, that is the hardest thing to do, isn’t it?