dear diary – waiting for someday

I wish I could tell you.
I wish I could tell you how much music moves me.
I wish I could tell you how much I cry at the silliest things.
I wish I could tell you how fast my heart beats with fear.  Frequently.

I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve looked in the mirror and called myself names.
I wish I could tell you how sensitive and cautious I am.
I wish I could tell you, explain to you why things mean so much to me.
I wish I could tell you why things make me feel deeply.
I wish I could tell you about the battle inside of me – the battle for life against the lies of the darkest enemy.
I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve looked at myself in utter despair.
Yet.  I can’t.
I can’t come up with those words.  They are locked inside of me.  Deep down inside, in a bottomless pit of confusion.  With walls built around that are higher than the highest canyon.
I can’t tell you.  I wouldn’t know how.
But just know.  The same smiling girl you see, whom you think is perfect and perfectly put together is not.  She’s perfectly imperfect.
But she has a name.  And one day, she will get a new name.  And along with that new name, the bottomless pit will find a bottom, and the walls will be scaled.  One day, everyone will know.  One day, she’ll be fully known.  And she won’t have to explain anything or muster up the words, because the words will already be there.  They’ll already be spoken.  And she’ll just nod her head in stunned astonishment and agreement.  Because Someone knew all along.
He already knew.  He already knew her deepest fears and greatest struggles, and yet He called her by name, washed her, and now gave her a new name with new garments.
Ah.  I can’t wait for someday.

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