dear diary – even when you don’t feel

the sweet potato casserole is eaten, the leftover turkey was cooked into a curry and served at the church potluck; the cookies and sweets have been tucked away in the downstairs freezer, and I’m feeling a little extra jiggle around the belly.

Oh well.  Meal prep and working out 5 times a week starts again. Get back on track, girl.

I can’t help but look back on this last week and think of it as an ending and beginning.  I saw the “Hunt for Red October Man” that I hadn’t seen for 6 months.  There was awkward silence and stammering words, but it’s all over now.  I prayed to God the morning before I saw him and asked – please – for strength and grace because I couldn’t do it.

That morning, I had wrapped myself in that big, brown, scratchy blanket that forever sits on our living room sofa.  I needed to sit alone and read and believe that I was loved and cared for.  I needed to see it, to believe it, and to let my soul sing it.  I turned to Song of Songs and read these words:

“Behold, you are beautiful, my love.  Behold, you are beautiful.  You are altogether beautiful, my love: there is no flaw in you.  You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes.”

You are beautiful, my love.  How many times to I struggle inwardly because I don’t FEEL beautiful?

There is no flaw in you.  No flaw?  No flaw at all?  Isn’t this all I see on most days?

You have captivated my heart.  I?  Captivated His heart? Me? 

The feelings aren’t there on most days.  Most days, I feel unloved, lonely, flawed, simply sinful.  That was today.  Today.  I do believe God made the most sensitive creature when He made me, I think.  Today, I hear the sermon and think what a sinful, flawed, un-Christian Christian I am.  Today, I feel the rumblings of envy and jealousy in me and feel flawed.  Today, I am tired and quiet and weepy, and I wish I weren’t.  Today, I feel strongly the pangs of loneliness and wish I could be good with just me and God.  Two peas in a pod.  Living the dream.  Together.  Today, my sisters don’t talk to me; they talk to each other and I feel left out.  And I wonder if I’m a good sister; wonder if I’m good enough.  Today, I question myself and who I am.  I let my voices speak to me.

Do you ever feel like that?  Like, you have a thick layer of marshmallow fluff around your middle, you’re lonely, you’re tired, you’re facing a new, busy week; you don’t feel God’s presence.  Instead, you feel sinful, flawed, unrighteous and unworthy?

And then you hear: You are beautiful, my love.  There is no flaw in you.

And you have to choose to believe that.  Even when you don’t feel it.

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