dear diary – ola and love

the winter wonderland comes to me, glistening like silver slippers.  the taste of eggs and mushrooms is still in my mouth as I step outside, the cold hitting me hard.  this is a beautiful morning.  my house was slow in waking up, and still, everyone is in their pajamas, eating pancakes and talking about Grandma coming over with her friend Roger.  I was up late last night, watching that skating movie with mom, and thinking about love and beautiful music, and hard and impossible things.

I find my way to the coffeehouse, to spend time with Sare.  She’s my Aunt, my “Tia”, but mom calls her “Sare”.  On my way, I listen to Ola Gjeilo and his music almost moves me to tears.  there is something about the way music speaks – it speaks louder than words sometimes.  it speaks in pictures, and feelings, and emotions, and wordless wonder.

Tia and I sit down, drinks in hand and start talking.  She talks about her journey to find herself, to accept God’s love, to believe Him over her fears.  I feel tears threaten again.  Who knew someone’s story could be so similar.  Even so, we are different but so similar.  She speaks about her struggle to accept God’s love for her – her dirty, ugly, unwanted self.  I nod.  Yes.  Me too.  She speaks about her struggle to accept herself, to believe all the promises God has for her, and to live in faith and not in fear.  I nod.  Yes.  Me too.

Can you be free?  Can you believe?  Can one finally accept this unconditional, rapturous, immense, and free love that we are offered?  Can one who has lived in the shackles of working and striving, and longing; lived in the mire of her own self, can this one, even so, be free and accept this love?

I now listen to Ecce Novum, and it makes me think anything is possible.  Yes, I, even I can be free.  You want me to be free, don’t You, O Lord?  You made me for Yourself.  You want me to be free, to be exactly who you made me to be.  You want me to believe this love, this love without restrictions, boundless and free.

O, help me.  Jehovah God.  Help me believe this love.

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